Today I had to attend a mandatory 4 hour CPR recertification course for my work. Whenever I attend this class I feel as though I’m a clothed stand-in at a porno shoot. Being forced to participate in the Heimlich Maneuver practical while being observed by no less then 5 co-workers, including your immediate superviser, is humiliating, to say the least. I’m uncomfortable watching it as well as participating in it, just in case you were wondering. Having said that, let’s move on to what I learned from my veteran medic CPR trainer today:
- There’s nothing worse than dead, so don’t be afraid to really go to town with your compressions. Try to reach a depth of at least 1.5 inches each time and don’t be surprised if you hear some ribs cracking or the victim’s breastbone breaks in half.
- The only thing worse than dead is coming to with a pen sticking out of your throat from an unneccesary, impromptu tracheotomy courtesy of that guy who got all of his medical training from many afternoons spent watching reruns of MASH and General Hospital.
- If someone pukes while you’re giving them CPR, just use your finger to clear out the vomitus and then keep on truckin’. This is an actual quote. I’m not making this up.
- Chewing tobacco is a choking hazard. Especially if you’re mowing the lawn. Do not chew and mow at the same time. If your neighbor is mowing his lawn and suddenly drops to the ground, he’s not having a heart attack, he’s probably choking to death on a big wad of mint Skoal.
I learned other stuff, too. Like Moms are panicky and should never be in charge of emergency situations. And some people like to call an ambulance at 3AM on a Tuesday morning because they have a headache. Mostly I learned that I hate CPR and if anyone around me ever needs it I’ll be the person hiding behind my newspaper slinking quietly as far away from the situation as possible. Oh wait, I already knew that. So I guess I didn’t learn anything. Well, at least I got paid for it.
And since I can’t sleep, I will (metaphorically speaking) take out the trash ;)
- There is a spider lurking in the depths of the pile of laundry in the corner of my room. I saw it early this morning but couldn’t get a good picture. It looked mostly like this. I also could not find the inch-thick hickory board that my brother made me (in the hopes that I’d beat small children for his amusement) to kill spiders with. So now, even though I’ve done a complete spider check of my bed and its immediate perimeter, I lay here in the dark thinking I’m going to wake up with spider eggs laid in my face and I’m pretty sure there are creepy things crawling all over me right now.
- The dog has taken to his new crate like a fish to water. I didn’t even have to give him a treat to get him in there tonight. I just said, “Bedtime” and he went right in and laid down. On the other hand, I’m suffering from seperation anxiety. I’m putting him in there about midnight and taking him out at 7am, and then he goes in for about 6 hours every afternoon while I’m at work. He’s being crated for slightly more than half the day and it’s making me feel like a jailer. I just don’t want to come home to a mess on my carpet. Tomorrow I’m supposed to go in early for CPR training. He’ll be in the crate practically the entire day. Am I a horrible pet owner?
- I somehow managed to drop a stitch at the end of my row whilst knitting the scarf. I also managed to not catch it for about another 30 rows, so now my scarf is 35 stitches wide half way up and then 34 the rest of the way and there’s a big loop hanging where the 35th stitch should be. I’ve no idea if I can fix this or not, so I might have to rip out half my scarf to pick it back up. Also, 35 stitches is just way to frakkin’ wide. I think I used either the wrong size needles or the wrong weight yarn. Knitting is complicated.
- In 3 weeks I am taking a week off from work. I have almost 6 weeks off I need to use this year, so I wish I’d have taken 2 weeks off instead of just 1 :P I can’t wait.
And that’s all I have to say about anything right this minute.
Once again, Office Tally comes through with a link to some video clips of this weeks episode of The Office. Check it out ;)
*UPDATE*
Thanks to Jessica for setting me straight on Milo’s condition. Looks like his strong resemblance to Stallone can be attributed to some dead nerve endings. Excuse me while I take my foot out of my mouth.
(more…)
Tonight is the first night in the crate and Tug has been barking his head off for the last 45 minutes, despite the fact that he’s been snoozing/playing/getting treats in said crate all day long. If he does not shut up and go to sleep soon I am going to cave like a smackhead on free needle day in Amsterdam.
Sure would help a lot. Sorry, I couldn’t help it.
To recap, Gaius is looking a little too much like JC these days. Is it me, or did his hair actually get like 2 inches longer since last week? I think I might get a shirt that says What Would Gaius Do? Hahaha. Also, Lee’s reaction to Kara’s “proposal” came as no surprise to me. Especially with all of the speculation floating about her fate in upcoming episodes.
Now I will proceed to annoy with my musings on the Final 5. I’ve heard that one of them is to be revealed before the end of the season and trying to pick the culprit beforehand is driving me nuts*. This weeks pick is Lt. Gaeta.
*My inability to see what’s coming next is precisely why I love this show.
Today I was the victim of an old man walk-by fart in the freezer section at the grocery store. If the fumes hadn’t been bad enough to melt my face I might have laughed. As it were, my emergency reflexes kicked in as I was passing out and took over my body. I came to in the coffee aisle, surrounded by the sweet smell of caramel lattes. I’m pretty sure that fart was vintage, probably some rogue gas left over from a can of army beans he ate in 1943 that’s been fermenting for the last 64 years waiting for just the right moment to emerge. When I’m old, I’ll drink a bottle of Drano with a bleach chaser every day and never eat things like eggs or beans or corned beef. Of course I’m also going to wear a dirty wig and take 3 hours to pay for my 1 can of soup with the wrong coupons and obsolete coinage in front of you at the checkout line. And anyone who tries to hurry me will be beaten down with my oxygen tank and run over with my wheelchair. I can’t wait to be old.
Today I picked up a pair of US11 (8mm) knitting needles from Michael’s. I harnessed the power of the internet to learn how to cast on and do a knit stitch. It’s nothing fancy and my stitches are far from even, but I’m hoping that with practice my knitting will be as good as my crochet.
